You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
