you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
