you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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