there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I love you.
Bad choice
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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