apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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