Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
