I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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