It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
