Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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