I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
