no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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