3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
