You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
