I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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