I wish I only lived at night.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize