So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How does it feel to date your dad?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
