Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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