I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
