and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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