I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize