RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
