Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We left the knife in your bed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
