When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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