Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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