Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So much rum. So many feels.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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