WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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