Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
