conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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