guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
