So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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