I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
