Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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