I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
