I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize