I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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