All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
