does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
