She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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