never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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