she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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