my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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