My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
