I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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