Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
