it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
