too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
