There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
