I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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