dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I understand Curling. That high.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
