Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
