i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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