I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
