my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
