That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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