You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
