at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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