Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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